So, tomorrow is my hubby’s birthday and I will not be taking the 2.5hr drive back to NJ this weekend to celebrate with him. Just to add some perspective here, let me explain that since our dating days, I have revered his birthday as I did Christmas when I was a child. I normally spend months anticipating it and planning something fun or a great gift that I know he will love. Then I get to watch him enjoy his gift in that genuine and uniquely appreciative way he has about him. Last year it was a surprise party at our apartment that I managed to plan secretly. He still talks about how much he loved that party. But on the day he turns 29, there will be nothing…at least from me.
Why this extreme departure from the norm? Well, it all started with me planning this surprise trip to DC with our close friends. He unknowingly made other plans for that weekend without discussing it with me and, in fact, had no celebratory plans in mind at all. So I got furious and called everything off and refused to do anything for him at all. Real mature, right?
I can’t seem to let this thing go no matter how much I want to. I forgive him but I kind of resent him at the same time. It appalls me that someone can think so little of their own birthday and furthermore, deny their spouse the opportunity to dote on them. Yes, I know that he is a product of his upbringing and is only mimicking what has been consistently demonstrated to him year after year. I also know that he is not intentionally trying to make me crazy, but why oh why must I spell this out for him every year? If I am perfectly honest, I will say that I have harbored this hope in the far corners of my heart these past 4 yrs, that he would somehow grow to appreciate my birthday as much as I appreciate his. Every woman wants their man to make them feel special on their special day. But year after year it feels like he just gives up before he even starts and then gives me something only because he doesn’t want to disappoint me. I just don’t want to do this little dance anymore. It’s the whole, “I want you to want” argument and it never ends well for the wounded party.
Back to the b-day boycott. At first it was about punishing him (which, of course always backfires resulting in him being completely un-phased and me being utterly frustrated). But in the last week or so, I’ve decided that it’s about desensitizing my apparently unwarranted over-exuberance when it comes to the birthdays of those I love and (more importantly) allowing my husband to celebrate in the way that makes him the most happy (even if that excludes my presence). I am being unselfish by appearing outwardly selfish. Go figure.
So here I am alone in Silver Spring, Maryland…frustrated, hurt, and wondering why he is the way he is but loving him anyway. Of course, if you know me at all, you know that the birthday thing is just a manifestation of a much deeper issue. There comes a time in every marriage where your fundamental personality differences become more glaringly obvious than when u were blinded by the haze of dating, engagement, and the early blissful months of being newlyweds. These differences can be refreshing, inspiring, even liberating from your own way of thinking but after sometime, it can begin to drive you up the wall.
Take my husband for example. He is essentially, a self-reformed introvert. After spending his childhood and adolescence deathly silent and withdrawn, he has purposed to come out of his shell during the course of his young adulthood. He is compassionate, giving, even-tempered, rational, gregarious, and people-pleasing. He is an idealist, whose opinions and judgments are so pure that they border on self-righteous at times. For him, finding the good in all people is an absolute must and doing for others is infinitely more important than doing for himself. So a day that should be devoted to celebrating his existence really is just another day to him and is best spent doing what he loves most.
I am on the other end of the spectrum. I am a reformed extrovert. I used to be the quintessential attention-seeking hussy who needed constant validation from other people. Graduating from college and then giving my life back to Christ really toned my personality down. Now, I warm up to people slowly and am apt to spend much more time observing and listening than talking in an unfamiliar situation and/or a group setting. I relish my solitude. Where my husband is revived by interaction with people, I find it emotionally draining. In fact, nearly all of the things I love to do most require that I do them alone…reading, writing poems/stories, exercising. I am introspective, emotionally volatile, and a total home-body. My personal bubble is very small, so much so that Immanuel is probably the only person in the world I can stand to be around almost all the time. My time is extremely valuable to me and I am very particular about how and with whom I spend it.
As you can imagine, the source of many of our arguments is my perception that he often places the needs of others ahead of his family and his perception that I ‘don’t like people’ but will have to learn how to better share him. “I love spending time with you with other people,” he says. And I get it, I really do. He considers his church to be his family. But my family is my family. He wants to bond with other couples and reach out to children and teens and fellowship with distant acquaintances. All of that is nice, but to me it’s exhausting and time consuming. I’m not interested in befriending everyone we know. I don’t have enough emotional arsenal to sustain that many meaningful relationships. I am perfectly happy with having most people in my life as acquaintances. I am all about nourishing the important relationships we already have and leaving room to gradually incorporate (or even out-corporate) people into/out of our circle of trust. In fact, I am even ok with not liking people and with people not liking me. That’s perfectly healthy as far as I’m concerned.
What I am not ok with is the possibility of my husband not accepting me and somehow hoping that this part of myself that I am content with will change. And so, when he tells me that I am becoming his ‘lady’ (which he means as a huge compliment in recognition of my continued growth in character) I actually feel like he’s being condescending without meaning to be. It’s almost like being told that who I am right now is not good enough but will be someday.
Don’t get me wrong, I am gladly perfecting many aspects of my character, like patience, self-control, and kindness but I don’t believe that this will change the foundation of who I am. I am an introvert by choice and it suits me…not a social recluse, not painfully shy, not cold and unapproachable. When people describe me as reserved, cautious, unassuming, “quiet at first but a great person once you get to know her…” that makes me smile because it’s how I want to be thought of…a person worth getting to know. And it’s those that take the time to get to know me, or at least allow me to take my time getting to know them who will become the closest to me.
In fact, in many ways, I don’t even fit the classic picture of an introvert. I love entertaining in our home and have taken tentative strides towards befriending people who have shown, at best, lukewarm interest in pursuing a friendship with me. I attend church events and other events for my husband’s more distant friends where, on many occasions, I know no one but my husband. I am on friendly speaking terms with anyone who attends our small church with any regularity and have no issue with him spending time on his own with his friends or to go play music or to mentor someone, etc, etc, etc. So I keep asking myself, what is it that really needs to change? I’m not saying that I am the perfect wife, but I believe that I have adapted to his way of life as best as I can considering how vastly it differs from mine. And I still believe that I need to be the one who says “no” and prioritizes family first just as much as he needs to be the one who says “yes” and puts others first. This is not an easy dynamic but one that I believe we will be continuously perfecting for the duration of our marriage. But the goal needs to be to understand each other’s essential personality differences and find ways to meet in the middle so that neither of us feels as if the other’s emotional integrity is being disregarded.
So, I guess my gift this year is allowing my husband to be who he is and accepting that no matter how much he may puzzle me, I chose him for a reason. And for all of this, I don’t really want him to change that much at all; just perfect what he already has to work with. There is a time to concede and a time to stand firm in who you are as an individual. The lesson I am still trying to learn is when to do what and why. I suspect Romans 14 is a step in the right direction:
19So let us then definitely aim for and eagerly pursue what makes for harmony and for mutual upbuilding (edification and development) of one another (AMP)
22Your personal convictions [on such matters]–exercise [them] as in God’s presence, keeping them to yourself [striving only to know the truth and obey His will]. Blessed (happy, [a]to be envied) is he who has no reason to judge himself for what he approves [who does not convict himself by what he chooses to do] (AMP)
JP
Wow… I guess that’s what I get. I want Stacy and everyone to know that the events of the month of my birth have changed me forever. At the heart of my wife’s writing I find the following message: “I love you, yet you don’t seem to understand what you mean to me or anyone else and it is driving me crazy.”
I apologize; I have been living a sham, except in the most peculiar way possible. For much of my life I have been secretly struggling to fight a natural inclination to be prideful. In all honesty, there was a hidden elitist attitude that I had masked with a film of false humility that I learned to lay over it. Why? Because I didn’t want to seem arrogant. I love people, and that will likely never change. I know people hate jerks and love people who make them feel and, hopefully, believe better about themselves and I was willing to do so at all costs. Even by pretending to be much, much less than who I am. I loved to be underestimated and secretly waited for the moment that someone else would be humbled by God and become embarrassed for their low estimation. But I of course would, (self?) righteously, never throw it in their face. I wanted to be missed if I was gone, yet I lived like I didn’t care or require any fanfare while I was around.
Rom 12:16 Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits.
Rom 12:17 Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.
Rom 12:18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
Rom 12:19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
Rom 12:20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.
Rom 12:21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.
It was then that I met Stacy. I truly became humbled to know that I wasn’t as much “all that” as I secretly thought I was. We may need to compare notes again now that we are being even more open than when we spilled our respective histories to each other weeks after we first met. However, what I saw was a woman unrealized, not even to herself. At the very least, she was willing to be herself; meanwhile, I was more interested in being what I thought she and other people wanted or needed me to be. She loved me tremendously, yet did so while constantly underestimating the qualities that I (and various other men of all cultures) found so attractive. Of course, as she continued to underestimate herself, I chose to layer on more of the film of false humility.
Here lies the paradox… The ex-introvert marries the ex-extrovert, both so bent on not becoming who we were that we are afraid to approach the middle. Not to mention, my version of being extroverted often included stuff that is more business than pleasure, perhaps because I enjoy a little too much the notion of making others happy. Instead of loving others as myself, I loved others 10 times better than myself.
Several times this month a simple message has been reiterated. Even tonight, against my wife’s advice, I visited someone’s home to encourage them and was told bluntly that I am short changing myself. During the last couple weeks, I have begun scraping off the film of false humility and learning to express my true feelings as I began to discover the subtle differences that divide false humility, true humility, arrogance and confidence.
At the risk of sounding arrogant. I already know I am at least ten times better than I let on to be. I already know that many of my efforts often go un-acknowledged and perhaps also unnoticed. I already know the stuff that people have yet to see or hear from me is not “worthy” of many of the people around me. I now realize that I cannot continue to live beneath what I am able and I cannot allow the God given gifts and talents be trampled over by just “anybody.” Lastly, I realize that birthdays are a time for celebration and I should celebrate and allow mine to be celebrated by those that love me most.
Mat 7:6 Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.
Rom 13:4 For he is the minister of God to thee for good. But if thou do that which is evil, be afraid; for he beareth not the sword in vain: for he is the minister of God, a revenger to execute wrath upon him that doeth evil.
Rom 13:5 Wherefore ye must needs be subject, not only for wrath, but also for conscience sake.
Rom 13:6 For for this cause pay ye tribute also: for they are God’s ministers, attending continually upon this very thing.
Rom 13:7 Render therefore to all their dues: tribute to whom tribute is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honour to whom honour.
Rom 13:8 Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law.
I love you Stacy… you are looking out for my well-being. You’re doing the best job you know how. Please allow me to make it easier for you by looking out a little more for myself than I have in the past.
One more thing…. the hard lessons I’ve been learning since 2005.
Trying to please EVERYBODY sucks.
My life is NOT important enough for most people to care what decisions that don’t directly effect them.
It is not worth the effort to try squeeze something out of a relationship that is not there. I shouldn’t try so hard and definitely shouldn’t expect others to try at all if it is my desire and not there’s.
It’s serious, but not that serious… I can’t over analyze everything.
Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter when it comes to me disappointing others. EXCEPT for my wife who does and should both matter and mind.
If I want true friends, which I so desperately do, I MUST SHOW myself friendly.