Walking the Line (Part I)

As someone who has only been truly living for God for about five years, I’m approaching that stage where I’m relying more and more on my personal relationship with God to dictate my life.  I know that probably sounds a little suspect but I think it’s just a natural consequence of maturing in Christ.  When I was a babe, everything a strong Christian had to say about an issue was golden.  Pleasing them meant pleasing God by extension, especially since I was just learning who God was for myself.  But as you mature in your walk with God, you begin to see that there is a distinct difference between God’s standard and man’s preference.  These are things that are considered biblical gray areas…areas that the bible is vague about or doesn’t mention at all…or issues that are not unto life or death but are considered controversial in the church.  Most of these are what I like to call issues pertaining to moderation.  Things that so-called ‘strict christians’ stay a mile away from and condemn as evil and so-called ‘liberal christians’ indulge in  themselves using wisdom and moderation or choose to abstain from without being morally opposed to it persay.

I’m sure you can think of tons of examples…let me just throw a few of them out there….alcohol use, clothing/fashion, dating (unsupervised dates, kissing while dating, etc), secular music, dancing, etc, etc, etc.  These are things that cause people to leave churches and/or abandon Christianity altogether if not handled delicately and with the spirit of truth.  My purpose in writing today is not to create an exhaustive list of how I feel about the most controversial church issues to date.  However, I will say that Romans 14 is perhaps the best and most comprehensive guide to understanding how to deal with differences about issues not specifically or clearly addressed by the Bible.  The pastor at the church my husband and I visited a few weeks ago stated it beautifully.  What I got out of it is that the best kind of Christian to be is one who is biblically conservative but culturally liberal.  This is a person who lives uncompromisingly by the standards that the bible explicitly lays out.  But on those issues that the Bible is ‘unclear’ or silent about, allows for tolerance and differences of opinion from one Christian to another.  As I begin to embrace this more and more, I begin to understand more than ever why Jesus said that the way of life is narrow and few will find it (Matt 7:13-14).  Staying on the straight and narrow is about more than just not sinning; it’s about being able to stand for what’s right without hurting, distancing, or repelling people from the love of God.  This is not an easy mandate that he has placed on us!

Allow me now to come to the point of all of this.  How do you do that?  How do you stand for holiness without coming across like a judgmental banshee?  How do you let someone you care about know that they are headed down the wrong path without turning them off from attending church, or worse, from seeking God?  How do we shine our light (so to speak) without blinding people?  I started thinking about this after another couple (close friends of ours) mentioned that they were seeking wisdom about this very thing.  They wanted to know how to handle a situation involving a new couple at their church who are dating and recently moved in together.  This couple recently had a housewarming and invited them to it.  The concern was that the pastor and other church leaders might be unaware (or worse, aware but overlooking it) and the effect this may have on the ministries that they are getting involved in. 

I don’t personally know this couple but I am very acquainted with this issue so I will be speaking to various rationalizations that I have heard concerning this issue.  My generation is a very smart generation.  We think and reason a lot which is great for education and career planning but terrible for spiritual development.  Most young adults my age who call themselves Christians are really what I call christianoid.  They obey the Bible when it’s convenient but then ignore/rephrase/disregard it when it’s not.  Molding the Bible to fit your life is a huge problem in and of itself, especially since the whole basis of being a Christian is allowing God to mold your life to look like Christ. 

Anyway, we like to test-drive situations first.  I mean, you get to sample everything else in life before buying…music, food, perfume, clothes, college….you name it!  Why not something as important as marriage?  It makes sense to live together in a non-binding arrangement for a while first to see if marriage will work.  It makes sense to have sex once you get serious but before you get married to make sure you’re sexually compatible first so you don’t end up stuck with that person for the rest of your life.  This kind of reasoning is what my husband refers to as wordly wisdom.  It’s logic that makes sense to us given a situation but has nothing to do with God’s standard.  It makes sense for unsaved people to think this way but it makes absolutely no sense for saved people to adopt this mindset.  Unfortunately, this happens all the time with Christians and it renders us collectively weak and ineffective.  Godly wisdom should always outweigh our own.  I know because I am being challenged with this almost daily now.

Back to the couple in question, if you’re operating under worldly wisdom (like they are) then you rationalize by saying that it was a financial decision to live together.  They are both coming from difficult family situations and they both needed to get out but couldn’t afford a place on their own so it just made sense.  ‘We prayed to God and he gave us peace concerning this,’ they say.  If that’s not bad enough, then there’s the argument that just because we are living together doesn’t mean we are having sex, assuming you are still holding to the clear biblical standard that sex before marriage is wrong.  Or you go one step further and say God understands and will forgive us for having sex because we love each other and will be getting married in the future anyway. (Again, I am not quoting them verbatim; I am mentioning some things that were said and adding it to other arguments that I’ve heard)

So let’s put it out there.  To my knowledge, there is nothing in the Bible that explicitly states that living together before marriage is wrong.  But if you’ve already crossed the line of fornicating and you are simply making it more convenient to fornicate by living together, then there’s nothing more to say.  You are no longer living by God’s principle on this issue but by your own justification.  This is called willful sinning (because you know it’s wrong but you’re doing it anyway) and the Bible forbids this.  But if you’re rightly abstaining and believing that living together will not negatively influence your ability to continue to do so then allow me to set the record straight about that right now.  Holding out until you get married is hard enough without placing yourself in a situation that will make it next to impossible.  That’s right, I said next to impossible.  If you are in love and incredibly attracted to one another, then maintaining appropriate boundaries is probably already an issue.  In fact, if you’re anything like my hubby and I were, you’ve probably drawn and redrawn the lines several times already.  Even with separate bedrooms (which is generally not the case) and separate bathrooms (again, generally not the case) there is still plenty of opportunity for you two to find each other in very compromising and tempting situations without any accountability.    No God-fearing Christian is going to tell you that this is a good idea.

Add to this the fact that you are now functioning like a married couple without actually being married.  You’re sharing bills, household decisions, expenses, pets, chores, etc.  This blurs the lines of dating so inexplicably with marriage that it creates confusion within your relationship and complacency (since the urgency/incentive to take your relationship to the next level has been removed).  Furthermore, you’re placing your brothers and sisters in Christ in a very awkward position.  You are casting doubt on the purity/holiness of your relationship and expecting them to fellowship with you in the environment of that situation.  None of the above demonstrates a heart that puts God first in all things and/or a willingness to love thy neighbor as thyself so to me, the answer is clear…living together before marriage is wrong.      

As someone who was there just a few short years ago, I can honestly say that living together before marriage would have guaranteed premarital sex for Immanuel and I.  We pushed the envelope many times in our relationship and, in a way, ‘barely made it’ to the altar.  Mark Gungor says that sex makes you stupid…I would take it a step further and say that sexual attraction makes you stupid, sex just makes the stupidity feel more worth it.  I know now that my emotional and physical attachment to him was clouding my judgment and causing me to falter but I’m proud that we had enough fear and reverence for God in us to keep holding out for as long as we did.  I’m also grateful that the standard we live by is God’s perfect standard and not man’s.  I’m so grateful that he knows the heart and the intention within so he doesn’t have to rely on outward actions to make judgment calls.  So I continue to pray for wisdom on educating teens and other young adults on this issue so that they can do better than I did. 

In my next entry I’ll address strategies for confronting this issue.

Of Heavenly Significance…

I heard a definition of sin in church yesterday that I’ve never heard before.  The pastor at the church I was visiting referred to it as the act of taking worldly/earthly things and giving them heavenly significance.  What things on earth are we elevating above heaven?  But more than this, what things are we trying to take with us to heaven after we depart?  Have you ever thought, well, if heaven doesn’t have playstation then I’m out.  Yea, that’s sinful and should warrant further exploration.  My mind starts running through examples like this involving money, cars, gucci bags, etc.  Then he lays an example on us that makes my head spin.  Your spouse.  Did you just hear the breaks screeching in your ears cuz that’s exactly what happened to me yesterday when I first heard this.

Let me back up for a sec.  After spending the last few days wallowing in marital issues, it was interesting that his theme scripture would come from Luke 20:27-38, the passage referring to the Levirate marriage (see Gen 38:8 and Deut 25:5-6 for the background text on this).  To describe it briefly, its a Hebrew tradition in which the brother of the widow’s deceased husband must marry her and produce a child to bear his name.  I always thought of this as a way of making provision for the widow but what I never realized was that this tradition was steeped in the belief that the only means of living on after death was through one’s children.  This would explain why the child would be considered the deceased husband’s child rather than the new husband.  For those who recognized only the law of Moses (such as the pharisees and sadducees) there was no concept of ressurection after death and/or heaven. That’s why Jesus made the point of telling them that God is a god of the living not the dead and therefore he is (not was) the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
So, the question is posed to Jesus…who’s wife is she in the resurrection if she goes through all seven brothers childless and then dies herself?
I have never been taught formally on the subject of what will happen to your marriage after you die other than a few passing comments from my current pastor to married couples about being brothers and sisters while in the sanctuary.  This, of course, has been a source of irritation to me as I believed it to be his underhanded way of discouraging affection between married couples while in church.  As a newlywed, being told that your spouse will not be your spouse after you die is a tough enough pill to swallow.  Telling me that I need to practice this concept so that it won’t come as a suprise to me later was just plain ludicrous.  On the other hand, I actually feel somewhat cheated that this subject matter was never covered as part of my pre-marital counseling.  If I had to venture a guess, I would say its probably not taught in many pre-marital classes at all.
The thing that really blew my mind was when he referred to marriage as an earthly concern.  Wow.  Really?  Hmmmmm…well, now that I think about it, that makes perfect sense.  He explained that those who cannot accept the idea of not being married in heaven are ‘heavenizing’ something that was not meant to be eternal.  Thus the whole ’til death do us part’ in the vows.  I’ve never thought of it this way.  I’ve always thought that when I was reunited with my spouse, we would carry on just as we did on earth.  But the way this pastor explained it made  all of my objections fall away.  Now that I really think about it I don’t see what use spiritual beings would have with marriage.  It makes you wonder what those Sadducees were really getting at when they asked that question in the first place.  (I mean, leave it to a bunch of men to have a problem if a woman has 7 husbands.  I’m quite sure they wouldn’t have had a problem if it was a man who died with 7 wives.  Not my joke…the pastor’s by the way).  I mean, other than trying to trap Jesus, were they concerned about who was going to have dinner on the table every night, keep the house tidy, and give them good-loving at night?  (I’m cracking up right now cuz I just thought of the little old-school church mama next to me who was having a fit everytime the pastor said the word “sex.”  ‘He better not say it again!  Don’t you say it!’  LOL!!! So hilarious!)
Ok, maybe those examples are a bit shallow.  But Immanuel is my best friend on Earth, my closest companion, an excellent provider, an outstanding lover, and so many other things.  I truly can’t imagine spending eternity without him.  But then, if you look at all those things I just described, God is really suppposed to be all of those things to me even now but on a deeper level after I die.  Would my awesome and loving God who also happens to be jealous want to continue to share my heart forever?  I doubt it.  This is partly what Paul was alluding to when he basically said that marriage prevents a person from being fully devoted to God.  But as eternal beings we will be in constant communion and intimacy with God…marriage simply holds no purpose in heaven.  Its great but comes with its own share of drama and God has promised us no more tears or pain in heaven.  To me, that probably means there isn’t room for marital quarrels and misunderstandings. 
I totally get it now.  I’m not saying that we should just forget about marriage or give up on the one you have since you won’t be married in heaven anyway.  I honestly believe that God takes what we do here on earth very seriously and marriage is among one of our most important life ministries.  But I do think this warrants a shift in my previous perspective.  I still believe in romance and passion, but I think that placing my happiness entirely in the hands of another human being is causing me more harm than good.  In fact, this whole ‘her desire shall be for her husband’ thing was all part of the curse.  But with God I know I am always understood, always heard, always loved, and always taken care of.  My husband can’t do that for me all the time nor can I for him and thankfully this is not our responsibility forever.  So my new thing is going to be to entrust the Lord more than I entrust my husband, my family, or my closest friends with my heart.  How much better to be cared for by someone who knows my thoughts and needs than by someone who always has to figure them out?
I’m reminded of how I felt the first time I praise danced.  I got to this whole new level of worship like nothing I had ever experienced before where I literally felt like all I had to do was reach out in order to literally touch God.  That scripture that says ‘in the presence of the Lord is the fullness of joy’ had whole new meaning for me that day.  I could barely stand…could barely carry out coherent conversation…my mind was racing and I couldn’t stop trembling and found myself constantly either shedding tears or just on the edge of them.  That was the first time in my life I can truly say I was in tune with God mind, body, and soul.  But when I woke up the next day, that feeling was gone.  It was like that fullness was lifted right out of me and I felt empty and drained.  I spent almost two full days on the couch overcome with what felt like incredible grief and sadness.  All I could think about was wanting to be with God.  I literally did not want to be alive anymore…not that I was a danger to myself but I felt completely disconnected from everything around me.  It was spiritual withdrawal and its the reason I am very careful about when and how I will choose to minister in dance in the future.
I honestly think that’s what happens to us when we die and go to heaven.  That part of us that is inaccessible to man…that only God can touch…will become permanantly activated.  Everything we could possibly want will be satisfied and things that make us happy now (like sex) will be forgotten because Jesus will literally be everything that we will ever want or need.  And as much as I enjoy sex, I can truly say that the way I felt that day I danced was better than anything I’ve ever experienced before.  I know that no one but God can do that for me whether its for a moment or forever.  Maybe you already knew all of this but for me, this is an incredible revelation.  Which leads me to my next question…do we really need to prepare for heaven?  Something tells me that spending all of eternity glorifying God will be something automatic and intrinsic…I really don’t think one of the angels or an old saint will have to pull us aside and give us an orientation on how things are done up there but I could be wrong.  Doesn’t really matter.  I’m just happy in what I know does.

Some Hard Truths…

So broken and so humbled right now.  I’m seeing my deficiencies more clearly than ever before and honestly wondering how much more work its going to take before I can begin to look like someone worthy of bearing the name of Christ.  But I’m also finding that this ministry called marriage is challenging the very core of who I am.  I feel like despite my best efforts and all I’ve learned over the course of this relationship, we keep wrestling the same issues.  We have a great conversation and determine to do better and then fall right back into being divided and unsatisfied over some other issue.  I don’t want a band-aid…I want to wear a cast to reset our entire bone structure if that’s what it takes…but I do not want to keep getting emotionally clobbered just as I’m dusting myself off from the last crisis. 
Even though we seem to have a great marriage that’s built on all the right things, we keep hurting each other and running into these mind-numbing communication black holes.   We’re supposed to be better than this but, for some reason, we’re not.  I’m learning that love really isn’t always enough even though we have plenty of it…but greater than this is the purpose of God and the mandate that he has placed on our lives as a couple.  The instructions are simple, but they are painful to obey at times…to honor our vows to each other for life.  Feelings matter but they do not determine our direction or our decisions.  However, they can’t be buried or ignored in favor of keeping the peace either.  So here I am struggling to balance the need to have emotional integrity with the need to honor my spouse by submitting to him as my head. 
Your probably wondering what has me in such a light and whimsical mood (note the sarcasm here).  Believe it or not, its because God has begun to move in the life of my spouse like I’ve never seen before.  I’ve spent the last few years praying over Immanuel’s life…asking God to give him boldness and confidence in who he is…to lay out a clear path before him and open doors of opportunity for him to walk through.  I’ve pleaded with the Lord to send people into his life who can pour into him wisdom, counsel, and mentorship in every aspect and for him to have the courage to begin to operate within the full level of his potential.  What I forgot to do was consider the greatness of God…who rarely answers prayers just as they are prayed.  In my short-sightedness, I forgot to ask Him for the grace to adjust to all of these things as they begin to manifest in his life and effect our relationship.  I couldn’t foresee the possibility that any of this might make me uncomfortable or scared or desperate for the man I married.  So now I’m left feeling inadequate and unprepared for how quickly things are happening, made worse by the fact that I’m not physically living at home right now.  We’ve always had somewhat separately busy lives but now it feels more like a canyon than a small crack running through the center of it all.
I have always been perfectly aware that I married someone who is greater than I am in many respects and on the inside, I have always believed that once he realized this greatness and began to fully walk in it, that it would only serve to highlight my deficiencies.  I just thought that I had a longer window before this became a reality but God’s timing is perfect so this cannot be a mistake.   I also never truly expected him to assert it in a way that would make me feel unworthy of him (unintentionally, of course).  So now I’m presented with a choice:  retreat into his shadow  and become ‘a great man’s wife’ or become a great man’s wife who is also great in her own respect. 
Truth time?  I am happy for him but I know this is only the beginning of even more drastic changes in both of our lives and I’m not so excited anymore.  I don’t know how to be married to a TD Jakes or a Benny Hinn or even a Mark Zuckerberg but I have to be prepared for the possibility that he really could be operating on that level some day…and not when we’re 50 either.  I don’t want to be a First Lady or a Prophetess or a business woman…but is that what it will eventually take for us to be equally matched?  I don’t want to be viewed as some iconic spiritual leader with people looking to me for answers because of who I happen to be married to.  I am just a woman who loves God and tries her best to give back in the smallest of significant ways.  I want to leave a thumbprint not a chalk outline of my body if you know what I mean.  And I don’t want to lose who I am trying to squeeze into some expectation or ideal of who I need to be if it just doesn’t fit.  
There are things happening in my life right now that I don’t love but I’m calling on God to teach me how to.  If I’ve learned anything from all of my frustrations and failures lately, its that I’m not nearly as flexible and centered in God as I once was.  I need to get back to that place of unshakable trust and peace. 
Meanwhile, I’m exploring some of my darker thoughts because I have this unrelenting need to be real with myself.  But I like this about me.  I actually understand how you can be in love with someone and believe that you know them better than anyone else one moment and then feel like they are a stranger you have to get to know all over again in the next.  I understand why people who aren’t christians and christians who aren’t strong in the Lord and even christians who are, can decide to end their marriage to the utter disbelief of everyone around them.  And finally, I can understand how emotions, legitimate and illegitimate can make a person want to give up on something great…especially when it begins to cost more and hurt more than what they bargained for.  But, I also remember what it was like going through life alone without a partner and the tears I cried for the husband I feared would never come.  This marriage is hard, cyclical, and volatile but its worth having and I would never willingly part with it.
So thank you Lord, for the spouse you sent me to try my soul and test my faithfulness.  We are a team but sometimes we forget that we are on the same one.  Teach us to perfect unity and oneness in every area of our marriage.  Help us to master the elusiveness of effective communication.  We will not give up on each other but we cannot hope to succeed without you.  Amen.

                                                                                                                JP