I remember when I first started dating my husband (or ‘courting’ for those of you who detest the term ‘dating’ in reference to a Christian relationship) I was terrified that I was going to mess it up in the same way I had ruined my other relationships in the past. I knew I wanted more than just friendship but I was terrified of investing myself emotionally in something that was, by no means, guaranteed. After I lost the battle of trying to keep it ‘light and flirtatious’ I found myself approaching this relationship very differently than I would have in the past. Instead of leaving my faith out of it, I put it at the forefront. I got very real with God (and thus, myself) and the end result was some prayer sessions that would have been hilarious to a spectator, but also very heartfelt. ‘Lord,’ I’d say, ‘Its not too long ago you delivered me from fornication. I’ve been clean for a while now but I’ve also been single. I know I still have some tendencies on the inside so I need you to please deliver me from my inner whore. Help me not to mess this one up.’ Perhaps that’s a tad more coherent than I sounded at the time but, I kid you not, I was no less real than that.
What got me to thinking about this was this NPR article that my husband e-mailed me called ‘Sex Without Intimacy: No Dating, No Relationships.’
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=105008712
The very idea sounds awful to me now, but if you had caught me 4-5 years ago, in between my bed-hopping, I would have found nothing wrong with that statement. Being a modern teen/young adult forces you to make decisions about dating and relationships even if you’re not yet or currently involved in either. When you embrace the idea that dating can be casual or that dating on any level is outdated, you are, by extension, adopting an entire mindset towards avoiding commitment in general.
Using myself as an example, I can remember going off to college with the intention to continue on to medical school. I was raised with the mindset that I needed to finish out my education and establish my career before ever seriously entertaining the idea of marriage. Of course, when I did the math, waiting 10-15 years to get married seemed like an eternity. What was I supposed to do in the meantime? My hormones precluded me from living like a nun, but the idea that marriage would prevent me from achieving my goals prevented me from getting involved in a meaningful relationship. I started trying to find ways to separate the intimacy from the physical affection. I wanted all of the stuff that felt good, (the kissing, the cuddling, the hand holding) without any of the responsibility or the drama of a title.
Being promiscuous is a lot easier than most people think. For me, it was never really a finite decision that I made. Most people don’t set out thinking to themselves, ‘ You know, I think I’m gonna sleep around for a while.’ It’s more like a series of small decisions to go against your better judgment that eventually leads you down that road. How did I go from deciding that going on multiple dates per week with different guys was no big deal to deciding that sleeping with more than one guy within the course of a week was ok? You can talk yourself into just about anything if you’re not careful. The things you get away with give you permission to take even more risks. I was looking for convenience and instant gratification, not hard work and sacrifice. I wanted fun and mystery instead of honesty and devotion. I started to think things like:
‘I’m not cheating, I’m just exploring my options,’
‘Its actually better for me to give into my urges right away because the longer I wait, the more likely I’ll make an even worse decision later,’
‘I don’t need to use protection all the time unless I get a gut feeling that I need to.’
I honestly didn’t see it as recklessness. I saw it as taking control of my sexuality like Samantha on ‘Sex and the City.’ The problem is, that by the time I realized I had gotten off on the wrong exit, I was so far down the highway that I had crossed the state line and not even realized it. My wakeup call? Finding myself in an STD clinic in downtown Newark, NJ after a call from the State Health Department telling me that I had been exposed to some STDs. Sitting next to a few prostitutes and crackheads will give you some real perspective. As much as I wanted to tell myself that I was better than them, we were all in the same place waiting on the same test results because we had all been irresponsible.
After that I began to take inventory. Clearly there was a huge error in my decision-making abilities. I could finally admit to myself that having sex just for the sake of having it was neither freeing nor liberating. When you find yourself, at times saying ‘yes’ without really even being attracted to the guy that’s a problem. I can tell you that I don’t know some of my partners’ last names, or if they had jobs, or children, or how many partners they’d had before me. I would be involved with someone for months and be on such a casual basis with them that I didn’t know until we were ending things that he was a Muslim, or a drug dealer, or living at a halfway house. I was a smart girl with a good head on her shoulders on the surface, but an idiot when it came onto men.
I realize now that I had become a slave to my compulsions. If I wanted sex but not the person, I would still have it. If I was feeling empty, lonely, hurt, vengeful, or just looking for some attention, then sex was always my answer. And it wasn’t that I didn’t have good parents, or that I lived in a bad neighborhood, or that my friends were so awful, or that I didn’t grow up in church and learn about Jesus. It was that my mind had been tampered with by so many things and I no longer had a standard. And when you lose your standards, you lose your ability to distinguish right from wrong. To say that I’m grateful today that I am not a contributor to the rising Chlamydia statistic is a gross understatement. I spent two years living dangerously and then another year or so after that trying desperately to clean up my act. I know I should, but I have no STDs to show for it and no children. What do I have? I married a virgin who also happens to be my pastor’s son and I still have two years of medical school to go. Ironic? Sure. But I call it a demonstration of God’s grace and ability to change anyone. To be continued….
Deliver me from my inner whore…
I remember when I first started dating my husband (or ‘courting’ for those of you who detest the term ‘dating’ in reference to a Christian relationship) I was terrified that I was going to mess it up in the same way I had ruined my other relationships in the past. I knew I wanted more than just friendship but I was terrified of investing myself emotionally in something that was, by no means, guaranteed. After I lost the battle of trying to keep it ‘light and flirtatious’ I found myself approaching this relationship very differently than I would have in the past. Instead of leaving my faith out of it, I put it at the forefront. I got very real with God (and thus, myself) and the end result was some prayer sessions that would have been hilarious to a spectator, but also very heartfelt. ‘Lord,’ I’d say, ‘Its not too long ago you delivered me from fornication. I’ve been clean for a while now but I’ve also been single. I know I still have some tendencies on the inside so I need you to please deliver me from my inner whore. Help me not to mess this one up.’ Perhaps that’s a tad more coherent than I sounded at the time but, I kid you not, I was no less real than that.
What got me to thinking about this was this NPR article that my husband e-mailed me called ‘Sex Without Intimacy: No Dating, No Relationships.’
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=105008712
The very idea sounds awful to me now, but if you had caught me 4-5 years ago, in between my bed-hopping, I would have found nothing wrong with that statement. Being a modern teen/young adult forces you to make decisions about dating and relationships even if you’re not yet or currently involved in either. When you embrace the idea that dating can be casual or that dating on any level is outdated, you are, by extension, adopting an entire mindset towards avoiding commitment in general.
Using myself as an example, I can remember going off to college with the intention to continue on to medical school. I was raised with the mindset that I needed to finish out my education and establish my career before ever seriously entertaining the idea of marriage. Of course, when I did the math, waiting 10-15 years to get married seemed like an eternity. What was I supposed to do in the meantime? My hormones precluded me from living like a nun, but the idea that marriage would prevent me from achieving my goals prevented me from getting involved in a meaningful relationship. I started trying to find ways to separate the intimacy from the physical affection. I wanted all of the stuff that felt good, (the kissing, the cuddling, the hand holding) without any of the responsibility or the drama of a title.
Being promiscuous is a lot easier than most people think. For me, it was never really a finite decision that I made. Most people don’t set out thinking to themselves, ‘ You know, I think I’m gonna sleep around for a while.’ It’s more like a series of small decisions to go against your better judgment that eventually leads you down that road. How did I go from deciding that going on multiple dates per week with different guys was no big deal to deciding that sleeping with more than one guy within the course of a week was ok? You can talk yourself into just about anything if you’re not careful. The things you get away with give you permission to take even more risks. I was looking for convenience and instant gratification, not hard work and sacrifice. I wanted fun and mystery instead of honesty and devotion. I started to think things like:
‘I’m not cheating, I’m just exploring my options,’
‘Its actually better for me to give into my urges right away because the longer I wait, the more likely I’ll make an even worse decision later,’
‘I don’t need to use protection all the time unless I get a gut feeling that I need to.’
I honestly didn’t see it as recklessness. I saw it as taking control of my sexuality like Samantha on ‘Sex and the City.’ The problem is, that by the time I realized I had gotten off on the wrong exit, I was so far down the highway that I had crossed the state line and not even realized it. My wakeup call? Finding myself in an STD clinic in downtown Newark, NJ after a call from the State Health Department telling me that I had been exposed to some STDs. Sitting next to a few prostitutes and crackheads will give you some real perspective. As much as I wanted to tell myself that I was better than them, we were all in the same place waiting on the same test results because we had all been irresponsible.
After that I began to take inventory. Clearly there was a huge error in my decision-making abilities. I could finally admit to myself that having sex just for the sake of having it was neither freeing nor liberating. When you find yourself, at times saying ‘yes’ without really even being attracted to the guy that’s a problem. I can tell you that I don’t know some of my partners’ last names, or if they had jobs, or children, or how many partners they’d had before me. I would be involved with someone for months and be on such a casual basis with them that I didn’t know until we were ending things that he was a Muslim, or a drug dealer, or living at a halfway house. I was a smart girl with a good head on her shoulders on the surface, but an idiot when it came onto men.
I realize now that I had become a slave to my compulsions. If I wanted sex but not the person, I would still have it. If I was feeling empty, lonely, hurt, vengeful, or just looking for some attention, then sex was always my answer. And it wasn’t that I didn’t have good parents, or that I lived in a bad neighborhood, or that my friends were so awful, or that I didn’t grow up in church and learn about Jesus. It was that my mind had been tampered with by so many things and I no longer had a standard. And when you lose your standards, you lose your ability to distinguish right from wrong. To say that I’m grateful today that I am not a contributor to the rising Chlamydia statistic is a gross understatement. I spent two years living dangerously and then another year or so after that trying desperately to clean up my act. I know I should, but I have no STDs to show for it and no children. What do I have? I married a virgin who also happens to be my pastor’s son and I still have two years of medical school to go. Ironic? Sure. But I call it a demonstration of God’s grace and ability to change anyone. To be continued….